It is a grievous feeling to hurt those you love and to feel the weight of wrong choices. Exhaustion has set in and when it visits our home, it would be wise for us to be on guard. Feelings are heightened and words are flung about without filters or discernment, often landing in the face of the undeserving. On guard, I was not. Lacking sleep and energy, my day began with a self-sufficient attitude of getting things done and holding my home together. Although my heart had been meditating on the grace of the Lord in my weaknesses and brokenness, the overwhelming start to my day, met with angry "NOs!" and clear defiance, caused my self-sufficiency to crack and I fell apart. Sadly in the midst of this breakdown, my tongue was allowed to flow freely towards those most helpful to me. With no excuses for my sin, and after a deeply humbled apology, I realized that there is no beauty in self-sufficiency. My brokenness was exposed, but Christ was definitely not given glory. The cracks in my cistern were clogged with thoughts and feeling of what I needed to say, with no regard for the feelings of others. Yet, what beauty there is in forgiveness! The grace of those around me today was undeserved, but I am grateful. I am left this morning with a need for Christ to be my portion and sufficiency, as I should have been yesterday in my impulsiveness.
The Lord gently led me to a passage in 2 Chronicles this morning. The burden most heavy on my heart this morning is for my son. The Lord was kind to give me a banner for him. He gave me a portion of His word to pray over him and to meditate on the Lord's faithfulness in the midst of battle. I am thankful for the words found in the 20th chapter. Verses 15-17 give hope to my heart. "Do not be afraid and do not be dismayed in this great horde, for the battle is not yours but God's...you will not need to fight in this battle. Stand firm, hold your position and see the salvation of the Lord on your behalf...do not be afraid and do not be dismayed...the Lord will be with you." On behalf of Jonathan's heart, I believe and claim God's faithfulness. The battle is the Lord's and I will stand my position and trust. Lord, give me a gentle and quiet spirit and a gracious heart toward those I love. Be glorified in me and unclog the selfish mud packed in the cracks of my cistern. Shine through and gain glory for Yourself.
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